The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. Abdicate, v To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade, v, To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n.. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who’s been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

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Thanks and a tip o’the hat to Lisa for passing this along. ~ blm

THE COWBOY

Giddyup! Nekkid Pretend Cowboy

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’ St.. Peter asked.

‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered. ‘On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face … Kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off!! Or I’ll kick the sh?t out of all of you!’

St. Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’

‘Just a couple of minutes ago…

If you receive an email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu…

Ignore it.

It’s just Spam.

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Thanks and a tip o’the hat to Sandie for sending this my way. ~blm