I am such a sucker for goofy jokes and puns. ~blm

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“And that’s how the fight started…”

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..

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My wife walked into the den & asked “What’s on the TV?”
I replied “Dust”.
And that’s how the fight started…..

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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’
And that’s how the fight started…..

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My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary..
She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a scale.
And that’s how the fight started…..

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I asked my wife, ‘Where do you want to go for our anniversary?’
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said.
So I suggested, ‘How about the kitchen?’
And that’s when the fight started….

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My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying ‘Yes.’
So I said, ‘Then I’d like to phone a friend.’
And that’s when the fight started….

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When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.
So, I took her to a gas station.
And that’s when the fight started…..

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I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95..
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that’s when the fight started…..

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ says my wife. ‘Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’
And that’s when the fight started…

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me,’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants You might have gotten Disability, too’

And that’s how the fight got started….. .

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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
‘I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.’
The waiter said, ‘Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?’
‘Nah, she can order for herself.’

And that’s how the fight got started….

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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’ My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’

And that’s how the fight got started…..

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Thanks and a Tip o’the hat to Gayle for sending this my way!

Robert, Ted and John Kennedy

I was in 4th grade class of Mrs. Freeman at Broadview Elementary School on the corner of 125th and Greenwood in North Seattle when the P.A. system came on. Mrs. Amy Loughlin, the principal, spoke carefully and I could recognize an emotional sound in her urgent words. She told us that President Kennedy had been shot and was dead. Mrs. Freeman turned off the lights and sat at her desk. She was quiet and I believe she was crying. I, like the rest of the class – dressed in our Beaver Cleaver style clothes – sat quietly. We knew something big had happened, but I don’t think any of us really understood.

5 years later, early one morning, my mother came into my room at the Flamingo Motel where we lived and gently shook me awake. She said that Bobby Kennedy had been shot and killed and she wanted to tell me about it because, and I hope I never forget her words: “I know he was important to you.” I was now in 9th grade and paying a great deal more attention to these issues. My brother was serving in Viet Nam and my sister was an avowed anti-war protesting hippie. I don’t think I fully comprehended what it all meant.

The other evening I was lounging on my couch watching some innocuous TV show. It was interrupted by a special report banner and the talking head, I don’t know her name, came on screen to report that Teddy Kennedy had passed away, dead from the brain cancer he’d endured the past year or so. I had a gut level reaction to it. I said out loud, no one was with me, “Thanks Teddy.”

I think I understand some of it. ~blm

This sandwich tasted every bit as good as it looks.

Fried halibut sandwich. DEE-LISH-US!