It’s Halloween and you need a pumpkin to scare the hell outta all those kids who will be ringing your doorbell in just a few more hours. What to do?

Getcha-self a pumpkin and print a black & white photo of yourself, your mother-in-law, Cindy McCain (related story) or anyone else you find frightening.

Then look to our good friends at Intructables to show you how to do it.

CLICK HERE to download the FREE PDF with instructions.

I don’t need one…but if I did I’d certainly want the ‘original’ and not some johnny-come-lately, 2nd banana, d-list pocket torch. No siree.

It melts a penny. Yep.

If you need to melt a penny now, at last, you know where to turn.

That’s for sure.

Mangled English, sometimes illogical – from here and there
Collected by Chris Riveland

Weather Forecaster:

• Severe thunderstorms predicted until later afternoon. Stay inside and do not use electrical appliances, but stay tuned to this TV station!

On college applications:

• “I have a photogenic memory.”
• “The sweat was coming off him in goblets.”
• “Ears pierced while you wait.”
• “Her father was a civil serpent.”
• “Trespassers will be violated”
• On a barbershop window: “During construction we will shave you in the rear.”
• A massive church door carried this carved inscription: The Gate of Heaven; but below someone had affixed a neat cardboard sign, “Please use other door.”
• And at another church: “Men’s prayer breakfast – no charge; but your damnation will be gratefully accepted”
• A high-school student wrote this in his science paper: “The atom is composed of protons and electricians.”
• And from another high school history paper: “…Abraham Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope.”

Funny ads:

• For Sale – antiques desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
• Donkey handlers in Cairo advertise rides on their animals: would you like to ride on your own ass?
• In another foreign city: a sign urges tourists to “Visit our bargain basement – one flight up. Enter and you will find pork handbags on sale.”
• A foreign professor, trying to find an American wife, placed this ad: “Am 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born who speaks English very good.”
• And in a Hong Kong costume shop: “The merchandise is to be used for turning tricks on Halloween.”
• And at Shanghai Airport (perhaps replaced by now?): “The drinking water in this airport has been passed by the Quarantine Authorities.”

Bob Dole, one-time presidential candidate who eventually became a spokesman for Viagra had uttered these words in a fund raising letter, “To win, we must not only match the liberal Democrat’s intensity. We must be even more determined to bring our nation the long needed change its people have been crying out for…do we put our shoulders to the grindstone and move forward, or…?”

And lastly – my friend’s version of the Serenity Prayer, the Senility Prayer: “God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and sufficient eyesight to tell the difference.”

collected by CR